Why Second-Handers Neg

Over at Captain Awkward is an insightful post about a common (but unheathy) reaction some second-handers display when confronted with the cognitive dissonance of someone in their circle doing well "despite" breaking "the rules:"

Image by David Rotimi, via Unsplash, license.

The thing with this kind of bully is that they *are* conforming to entrenched cultural narratives, so there is a lot of ambient background support for the idea that they are just striving in a normal way and anyone who doesn't do the same is the problem. Mine was going all in on fatphobia, and yours is going with rise-and-grind capitalism [sic], but the bargain they think they are making is the same. "I follow the Rules and do things Right, ergo I Deserve to be Happy and Successful!"

If other people manage to be happy and successful on their own terms, without having to jump through the same hoops, these people find it between mystifying and threatening, depending on how miserable they are at any given moment. What good are the rules they've chosen to dedicate themselves to if the people who don't follow them to the letter aren't punished? You don't have to openly antagonize them, you just have to exist where they can see you and that's enough to constitute a personal attack on their way of life. In other words, if it's possible for you to have a fulfilling career AND free time, then you exist as evidence that maybe the long hours your friend is putting herself through at work are not entirely necessary, and that's scary for her, so she's reminding herself of what she's been taught about how all of this is supposed to work. If she were truly happy and secure with her choices, then she wouldn't need to sell herself (and you, by proxy) so hard on the notion that her way is the best and only way. [italics and asterisks in original, bold added]

I am the type who, if something annoying makes sense on some level, it often becomes much less annoying, so I found the above quite helpful in that regard. This is what it's like for people who fail to question anything.

Captain Awkward's strategies for dealing with the problems such bullies can cause for others are definitely worth reading, both for future reference and at least a chuckle or two.

-- CAV

P.S. I cannot help but notice the psychological similarities between the above and the cultural reaction of "belligerent self-pity" vis-a-vis the West coming from large swaths of the modern Islamic world.