The Power of Reframing

Carolyn Hax takes a question about holiday gatherings from a man facing his third divorce.

As if that wouldn't be bad enough, he has slipped into a sort of how it turned out competition with the first ex, who is the mother of his children.

With some reservations, I thought she (and some of her readers) gave excellent advice in what I thought was a touching response.

Hax advises "spinning" the things the reader is viewing so negatively, as a means of what she calls radical self-acceptance. Her examples:

Image by OurWhisky Foundation, via Unsplash, license.

• You keep believing in love and life and getting right back out there. Good for you.
• You keep showing up for these holiday dinners even though it's hard for you. Great lesson.
• You are willing to accept that you're the common denominator. Wanna know how many people would be looking elsewhere to pin the blame? It's not zero.
• Also not zero, the number who would hang on to a nonworking third marriage just to avoid having to admit going 0 for 3.

And a reader adds:

Go. Your kids want you there. I loved that no matter how weird it was, my mom and dad rallied to spend big events together with us.

This advice does answer the question of how the reader can feel less like a loser and bring himself to be there for his kids, but it feels lacking past a point. Maybe it's me, but spinning sounds superficial, given the gold mine of material for reflection it uncovered.

Also, there are too many faddish uses of the term acceptance out there that are half-actual positive and half-excuse. Yes. Accept yourself, but why not improve what you can?

I'd call the above more than an "optimist's word game:" It's a necessary re-framing for someone who needs to take stock of his situation for his own good. Hax allows that he needs to do this for his own sanity, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, as is her correct admonition that he is too focused on what his ex thinks of his life.

All I would add would be to make explicit that this man should take this opportunity to finally move on to selfishly asking himself what he wants for himself out of life, and going for it.

-- CAV