Psychological Distance From a Question

At Ask a Manager, I encountered a simple, memorable example (Item 3) of someone -- simply by asking a question of another -- becoming aware of a good option he was blinding himself to.

The writer had an unexpected business opportunity with a firm whose board included someone from his long-ago romantic past, and with whom he had parted ways acrimoniously, albeit drama-free.

Out of courtesy, the writer wanted to reconnect with his ex and offer to bow out altogether, but he dreaded the prospect:

I don't want to show up and ambush my ex, and it would be disingenuous for me to pretend I don't have a connection to this company. The respectful and professional thing to do is to reach out to the ex directly and ... reconnect somehow, right? The problem is the thought of even getting coffee with this person fills me with dread and anxiety. I am quite content to never see them again. At the same time, the idea that we could be on speaking terms if we run into each other again would ultimately be a relief...

The beginning of Alison Green's reply was This doesn't require coffee!

Wait. What? I thought. The answer, to use email, was so obvious to me that the bit about coffee hadn't registered. I was a little bit nonplussed until I reread the question.

I bet this guy heaved a sigh of relief before laughing at how fixated he'd been on an awkward meeting over coffee.

The lesson here is that it's often helpful to ask someone else a question, no matter how simple it might look to others, when one is stuck. The answer won't always be so simple, of course, but it can be.

The good news is that people simply needing the aid of another person's perspective will often get a pleasant surprise upon hearing the answer.

-- CAV