Strong-Armed by Hand-Holding?

In a recent Dear Abby column, the organizer of a social dinner group faces the following conundrum: [A] new wife to the group has instigated praying in the restaurant, along with holding hands as we pray.

The conundrum arises because, (1) oddly enough, not every member of the dinner group is religious, and even some who are do not feel comfortable praying that way; and (2) the practice, in the context of a social gathering in a public place, causes many of the participants to feel awkward about protesting what the instigator (I love that term here!) may well believe is a friendly gesture.

Nobody likes having words put into their mouths, which such rituals can easily do.

The answer is decent, although I obviously would find humor in (and would not myself say) silent prayer is just as effective as praying aloud.

The question got me thinking about other times I've bumped into this practice, which is somewhat common in my neck of the woods. I have most often encountered it before meals in the homes of people I know to be religious (and who know I am not). Like others in this Facebook discussion, I'll hold hands, but not bow my head, close my eyes, pray, or say Amen.

Were I to summarize my thinking, in those situations, it's along the lines of Their house, their rules. They see themselves as being inclusive. As long as they don't make an issue out of my level of participation, I'm fine with that.

The differences between what I usually encounter and what is discussed in the column are that (1) the woman wanting the prayer circle isn't the host or organizer of the gathering, and so lacks the standing to initiate or enforce the practice; and (2) it's at least a semi-public gathering, where many will likely see the whole group as religious.

The instigator could either genuinely see her ritual as a legitimate way to bond or could be trying to misuse etiquette to strong-arm the group into doing the ritual. Good will, as a foundation of etiquette, obviously precludes the latter and demands polite, but firm pushback against it.

In more public settings, which the discussion group addresses, I think my practice is warranted -- so long as one has a legitimate reason to participate in such a gathering in the first place! (I'm thinking of things like a workplace social event hosted by a boss who is religious, or an impromptu post-game meal of families after a youth soccer match.) It's easier to get blindsided, but also harder to appear to support religion.

Those are my preliminary thoughts on considering the possibility of running into this in public settings. The discussion group raises a couple of things I never considered, such as the possibility of making oneself play into stereotypes about atheism by being inappropriately confrontational and, on the positive side of the ledger, of "spotting the other atheists" during the prayer. (One person claims to have made friends this way.)

If you have other thoughts, I'd be interested in hearing them.

-- CAV