Healthy Alternatives to 'Keeping the Peace'

A female grad student in history asked Captain Awkward about alternatives to suffering the condescending behavior of her mother's new partner some time back.

As Captain Awkward notes, the thinking she did and the advice she came up with apply to many situations, and I think are worth considering for people who find themselves stuck -- usually at work or with relatives -- dealing with people they'd ordinarily not have anything to do with.

One strategy I found particularly intriguing was the following, which I like because it hacks whatever value orientation such people might have:

2) Find three "safe" topics.

In a weird way, A. might be trying to engage with you (he thinks) positively by showing interest in stuff you like, like history. He's also a walking bag of insecurities who has to be the smartest & the best at everything, so there is no way this will go well. And he has the unfortunate "arguing until the other person is visibly upset is a form of fun!" chip installed. It's bad.

I suggest that you find three safe topics to talk about with A.

Topic 1: One where he is the expert or something he is passionate about, like, international business travel or being an old, somewhat privileged dude. Grilling. Fine wine. Sports. What you want is something that is of passing interest to you but you're not the expert or especially emotionally invested, but it is really interesting to him. And then you ask questions and let him talk.

True story, I once did tech support for a company. There was this older gentleman who was The Guy For Whom Everything Does Not Work As It Should. It was mostly not his fault, just, he had a bad track record of getting broken/shitty equipment or having stuff go wrong. And I was a girl learning the job as I went because it was a temp job & I was filling in for someone, and everything was somehow all my fault and all of our interactions were very negative.

I noticed once that he wore a Cleveland Indians (yes, the team name is racist) polo shirt, and that happened to be on a day where I had glimpsed the front page of the sports section (rare), so I was able to sort of say something like "Great win for the Indians ... last night, huh?" in an attempt at pleasant small talk. And he lit up and told me about the Indians ... the entire time I fixed his computer. After that, every time I went to see him, I would check and see how the Indians ... were doing first. Note: I did not pretend to know anything or care about or be a fan of the team. I never said anything beyond "Looks like it was a rough night!" or "What does this mean for the playoffs?" and let him do the rest.

Not only did he decide I was his new best bro-girl, after I left the job he tracked down my info through my temp agency and sent me a "Good luck, if you ever need a reference or a job lead, just call!" greeting card. I know a lot of people genuinely love, live & breathe sports, but until I met that dude I did not realize that even for people who aren't that into them, sports serve as a magically safe current events topic that anyone can opine on. Epiphany! "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

The other two suggestions for safe topics share the essential characteristic of being things the difficult person cares about, but which will not lead straight into a conversation you'd rather not have with said person.

The remaining strategies will be helpful in that they involve finding ways to spend less time around the difficult person and give oneself psychological space by, for example, being more assertive over time or simply being honest with oneself about disliking the difficult person.

-- CAV