An Interview with Szechuan Ostrich

[Editor's Note: In an earlier post, I mentioned that I was going to shake things up a bit here at the ole forty acres on the Internet. But I forgot to mention one of the biggest changes! (Forgive me, Mizz Szechuan!) This blog will no longer be just a solo act! The handwriting has been on the wall for quite some time, and, golly gee whillakers, I can reads, Missa McCain! You, too, Mizz Szechuan, you too, yessum! Ahem. I'm going to kill two birds with one stone!

So today, I'm introducing Miss Szechuan Ostrich, who will post her incisive commentary here from time to time so that this blog can be a less partisan place, and to even up the male-female authorship ratio just a bit. This way, my blog will be less biased and less sexist.

As we all know, the best way to "get money out of politics" is to make sure that what it might buy on the blogosphere is as close to worthless as possible.

I will be introducing my readers to Miss Szechuan with an interview today.]

* * *

Gus Van Horn: Hello, Miss Ostrich. It's a pleasure to meet you. Now, I know that you're relatively unfamiliar with Objectivism, but that you intend to bring your journalistic experience and razor-sharp intellect to bear on the matter of offering devastating rebuttals to my various writings. Do you have any specific ideas?

Szechuan Ostrich: As a matter of fact, I do. I've done some digging around and have uncovered evidence that Ayn Rand has been cloned. Would you care to elaborate on that, or will I have to drag it out of you?

GV: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about.

SO: You know exactly what I'm talking about.

GV: I do. Okay. Well, you like George Lakoff, right?

SO: Don't change the subject!

GV: Now calm down, Miss Ostrich. This is germane. You're a big fan of George Lakoff, right?

SO: Of course I am! He's going to frame the issues so the Democrats beat the rap in the next election.

GV: Ummm. Right. Well, for the sake of a more general audience, one that might not understand how I -- what was that word -- frame things, could you, perhaps, go ahead and explain the Ayn Rand cloning plot you've uncovered.

SO: Of course! You see, when one of his proteges locates the elusive Nazi war criminal Dr. Josef Mengele, famed Nazi hunter Ezra Lieberman stumbles on Mengele's grand scheme to murder 94 seemingly unconnected men -- a scheme that could somehow launch the Fourth Reich.

GV: That sounds more like a movie synposis for the Boys from Brazil than anything even remotely connected to Ayn Rand, or to Objectivism. Could you ela-- re-frame this a bit more, please?

SO: Well, when you consider that Ayn Rand purposely launched her best-seller, Atlas Shrugged, just in time to distract attention from Ira Levin's novel, The Boys from Brazil, it makes perfect sense!

GV: But weren't those novels something like a quarter-century apart?

SO: Well, you're always bringing up Nazi stuff like capitalism.

GV: The Nazis were socialists, Szechuan. Umm. Go on.

SO: Well, except for that, you could just fill in the plot of The Boys from Brazil with characters from an Ayn Rand novel and get the same thing. It says so in National Review.

GV: Huh?

SO: They've cloned Ayn Rand and I have proof!

GV: Really? Please share it with us. You seem to be logging on to a web site.

SO: What's Ayn Rand doing writing articles as recently as 2003, if she died in 1982? It says right here, "'Marilyn Monroe: Through Your Most Grievous Fault' by Ayn Rand (July 22, 2003)."

GV: Well, that's a pretty famous article, and it doesn't exactly sound current, does it?

SO: No. Maybe we should ask her clone why she's wasting her time on something that happened in the early sixties.

GV: Oh, God! I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. Click on the link and let's look at it. Mmm-hmm. Says right here, "This commentary by Ayn Rand, excerpted from The Voice of Reason." It was republished on the Internet in 2003. Okay! She hasn't been cloned.

SO: You're rolling your eyes! That's voter intimidation, you know.

GV: We're not voting.

SO: But you mentioned George Lakoff.

GV: Please, Miss Ostrich. We're not voting. Ayn Rand hasn't been cloned. I'm trying really hard not to intimidate you.

SO: Well, that's a cover-up.

GV: What's a cover-up?

SO: That sentence you just read. You're trying to throw me off the scent.

GV: I must say, you're quite the bloodhound today, Miss Ostrich.

SO: Sexual harassment! My looks have nothing to do with anything!

GV: That's a figure of speech. I was saying that you're a gr-- umm, a persistent reporter, like a blood hound. That's all. Do persist.

SO: Well, according to this site, Capitalism Magazine is based in the Bahamas! "Site by Bahamas 2000, Ltd."

GV: So?

SO: Evil plots are always hatched in lairs carved out of volcanoes on remote islands. Why else would a magazine putting out material by a clone of Ayn Rand be based in the Bahamas?

GV: Tax purposes, maybe. Maybe that's just their web site designer. I don't really know or care. And the Bahamas aren't volcanic or remote anyway.

SO: You're rolling your eyes again!

GV: I'm going to try this again. Now, look at this book. Does this article look familiar? Compare it to the article on the web site. Take as much time as you want. When you're done, I have a yes-or-no question for you.

[The interview continues after approximately five hours.]

GV: Are these or are these not exactly the same article?

SO: No.

GV: Yes, they are.

SO. One's in a book and the other's out on the Internet. Quod delendum est. They do say exactly the same thing, though.

GV: Well, would a clone of Ayn Rand really be Ayn Rand?

SO: No. But--

GV: Let me finish. Why would we clone Ayn Rand if all she did was write the exact same material all over again. Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy a scanner or a Xerox machine?

SO: Oooooooh! You're right! Dr. Evil's always demanding ransom from the U.N. He must be doing that for a good reason!

GV: Dr. Evil? Oh, never mind. So cloning Ayn Rand wouldn't make that much sense now, would it?

SO: Are you talking down to me?

GV: Of course not, Miss Ostrich. You're taller than I am.

SO: That would be impossible.

GV: I'm afraid so. Now, wouldn't cloning Ayn Rand be a waste of money if all we got was a copying machine?

SO: Yes.

GV: So you don't think we've cloned her?

SO: No. Are you tired? You're sighing.

GV: No. Just exasp-- excited to be interviewing you!

SO: Sexual harassment!

GV: Take it as a compliment.... Please!

SO: Sexual harassment!

GV: Oh, shit! Did I manage to say, "excited?" I meant to say, "thrilled."

SO: Sexual harassment!

GV: How 'bout "honored," then?

SO: Cultural imperialist! That's a Western idea!

GV: The Chinese also have a concept of honor.

SO: Alright then. Thank you. Are you sure you're not tired?

GV: Not exactly. So. Let's move to the next question. If the folks at Capitalism Magazine didn't use a clone of Ayn Rand as a glorified copier, how might that "other" article have been posted in 2003, twenty-one years after the great philosopher-novelist died?

SO: I know! They contacted her spirit with a Ouija board!

GV: Thank you, Miss Ostrich. That will be quite enough for today.

SO: You're rolling your eyes again!

GV: Happy April Fool's Day!

Updates

4-3-05: Fixed a typo and added April Fool's message. (Can't do have that on April Fool's Day!)